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Local Teen Becomes Millionaire After Viral Diaper Dance, Credits ‘Tiny Overseas Legends’ Who Built Her iPhone
ZHENGZHOU, CHINA / LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — In a heartwarming tale of global synergy, 13-year-old Los Angeles influencer...
Crimmu$
5 days ago2 min read
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SAF Interview with amita
The Beginning What pulled you into DJing? Was there a defining moment, or did it happen more slowly over time? Both of my parents are...
SAF
7 days ago8 min read
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Local Raver Can Never Remember Which Marcus Is Which, Knows One Is Definitely Dead
VANCOUVER, BC — Local drum and bass enthusiast Ryan “NeuroRyan” Fisher once again found himself in a state of existential crisis this...
Crimmu$
Apr 32 min read
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Dark Table Staff in Kitsilano Still Clueless About the Blackout—KFC Now Serving Those Who Can’t Afford $18 Salads
KITSILANO, BC — As thousands of Kitsilano residents scrambled for candles, emergency flashlights, and the will to carry on without...
Crimmu$
Apr 32 min read
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Spike Lee Exhausted about Kanye’s BlacKkKlansman Interpretation
This is Satire In yet another baffling display of artistic interpretation, Kanye West—rapper, designer, and increasingly unpredictable...
Crimmu$
Mar 312 min read
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Vancouver Purist Rejects AI, Awaits Recognition That Will Never Come
VANCOUVER — In a courageous act of cultural preservation, a local aging hipster has taken to the internet to declare war on the greatest...
Crimmu$
Mar 302 min read
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Vancouver Man Finally Has Balls to Unfollow Boiler Room, Now Coping With Keep Hush Obsession
VANCOUVER – After years of pretending Boiler Room was still a cultural institution rather than an overbranded graveyard of forced vibes,...
Crimmu$
Mar 283 min read
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UK Decides ALI G Is Finally Ready to Be Prime Minister
THIS IS SATIRE LONDON — In a surprise turn of events that has political analysts, TikTok commentators, and aging Boomers equally...
Crimmu$
Mar 262 min read
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Local Hipster Tells Friends He Only Fucks With Hydromorphone Now Because Weed Is Too Psychoactive
DOWNSTOWN EASTSIDE VANCOUVER — In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one, local hipster Travis L., 29, announced at a dimly lit...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
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Turns Out Flooding the City With Dillies (Hydromorphone) May Result in Tradsies
VANCOUVER — In breaking news that shocks absolutely no one except city officials, recent reports confirm that flooding the streets with...
SAF
Mar 231 min read
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Turns Out Stigmatization of Hard Drugs Not the Worst Idea — Harm Reduction or Bait and Switch?
VANCOUVER — In the wake of vending-machine crack pipe failures and rising delivery app regret, new research suggests that — brace...
SAF
Mar 232 min read
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Local Graphic Designer Devastated to Learn AI Doesn’t Need Their “Vision”
GASTOWN, VANCOUVER — Local graphic designer Devin Whitmore is currently spiraling after learning that AI design tools can produce...
Crimmu$
Mar 233 min read
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Splashdown Crew Finally Lands, Immediately Begs Reporters to "Please, Stop Elon"
After months in orbit, the Splashdown Crew touched down safely — but their faces told a story of exhaustion far beyond zero-gravity...
Crimmu$
Mar 212 min read
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Local Man Accidentally Became Important at Work and It’s Ruining His Life
East Van, BC — What began as a casual “ya I can probably figure that out” has evolved into a full-scale professional catastrophe for...
Crimmu$
Mar 191 min read
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This Just In: Turns Out the Internet Is Actually Just Disembodied Tom Green
Disembodied Digital Tom Green. SAF. For years, scientists, conspiracy theorists, and that one guy at your local vape shop have debated...
Crimmu$
Mar 193 min read
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The Hoodie: A Timeline of Rebellion, Culture, and Power Moves
1930s — The Invention Born out of necessity. Champion Athletic Apparel designed heavy sweatshirts to keep workers and athletes warm....
SAF
Mar 182 min read
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Religious Groups Call for Ban on ‘The White Lotus’ Score, Claim It’s “Auditory Fornication”
LOS ANGELES — After two critically acclaimed seasons of The White Lotus , HBO has confirmed that the show’s composers have officially...
Crimmu$
Mar 142 min read
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DnB Duo's Source Direct Aspirations Crippled by Weed Shortage
Vancouver, BC — Local drum & bass duo Echo Ritual set out to channel the raw, cinematic menace of Source Direct . Instead, they run...
Crimmu$
Mar 121 min read
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Local DJ Rebrands His Passion Project as "Strategic Sonic Ventures LLC" to Keep Haters at Bay
VANCOUVER — In a desperate bid to make his record label sound less like a doomed passion project and more like a viable business, local...
Crimmu$
Mar 102 min read
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Local DJ Buys Girlfriend a Bass Coast Ticket for International Women’s Day—Gets Himself a Solo Shambhala Trip
VANCOUVER—In a bold display of selective generosity , local DJ Kyle “SubSync” Matthews proudly surprised his girlfriend, Jenna, with a...
Crimmu$
Mar 91 min read
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