Fake Therapist Giving Real Advice to Real Kids with Fake Disorders Outsourced to Real Kids Working Real Sweatshop Hours

AUSTIN, TX — In a twist even Black Mirror wouldn’t greenlight for being "too on the nose," reports confirmed Tuesday that @Dr.HealzUFast, a TikTok-famous “mental health guru” with no medical training, is doling out real psychological advice to actual children suffering from possibly nonexistent disorders—thanks to a global backend of real children working unpaid 14-hour shifts in outsourced data mines.

The influencer, real name Kyle “Dr. Kyle” Fremont, 26, rose to fame by dramatically whispering trauma facts over sped-up bedroom pop remixes, occasionally diagnosing followers with “PTSD from gym class” and “high-functioning reverse autism,” all while nodding solemnly into a ring light.

What followers didn’t know? The advice he dishes out is auto-fed into his teleprompter via an elaborate network of preteen laborers in Malaysia, Bangladesh, and “somewhere weird in Ontario,” who watch hours of child TikToks and sort symptoms into branded spreadsheets.

“It’s a sacred algorithm,” Fremont told reporters, gently stroking a Himalayan salt lamp.“I can’t do the work I do without my little overseas angels entering 60,000 micro-emotions per hour into the cloud. Blessings.”

Sources confirm the children behind the scenes are trained to identify complex indicators of TikTok-induced personality disorders like “aesthetic OCD,” “empath-core bipolar,” and “undiagnosed main character syndrome.” Their labor is paid in Roblox gift cards and emotionally manipulative Slack emojis from U.S. startup middle managers.

Fremont himself was first investigated after a video in which he diagnosed a 9-year-old with “Generational Exhaustion,” a term he invented mid-sentence, citing “trauma passed down through gluten intolerance.” The clip received 4.2 million likes, 2.1 million stitches, and exactly zero critical thinking.

“I’m not licensed, but I am emotionally available,” said Fremont.“Which is more than you can say for most of these kids’ dads.”

Psychologists across the country have responded with alarm, expressing concern that Fremont’s influence is leading young people to self-identify as “neurologically haunted,” “trauma-certified,” or “non-binary with depression but mostly the depression part.”

“It’s not that we don’t want kids accessing help,” said Dr. Alyssa Patel, an actual licensed psychologist.“We just prefer they not get their coping strategies from a man in a fuzzy bucket hat who once offered shadow work tips mid-sponsored post for Olipop.”

At press time, Fremont was seen filming a new video in which he sits silently, eyes moist, nodding to the camera while text overlays read:

“If you can’t focus, it’s not your fault—it’s generational. Also, link in bio for merch.”

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