VANCOUVER, BC — In a shocking display of internet musicology, a self-proclaimed "historically accurate" breakbeat enthusiast has once again attempted to rewrite the taxonomy of jungle, hardcore, and drum & bass, only to find himself caught in the very culture war he swore to avoid.
According to sources deep in niche music forums, the poster—who shall remain nameless but definitely has an alias like DJ Sonic Thedgehog—made an impassioned case that "breakbeat hardcore is just old jungle," a claim that, while not entirely false, is like saying dinosaurs were just old birds—technically correct, but not an argument anyone wants to have with you at 2 AM in the smoking area.
The Great Rebrand: Media Panic & General Levy
The crux of the argument hinges on two key events:
The media’s alleged discomfort with the term “jungle music” when applied to Black music, leading to a rebrand as drum & bass—a term conveniently devoid of dangerous connotations like ‘Black’ or ‘fun’.
LTJ Bukem, the man responsible for every liquid set you’ve ever chain-smoked to, attempting to distance himself from General Levy’s chart-friendly, soundboy-murdering energy.
While these points are widely acknowledged, critics argue that the real shift came from producers themselves, who began swapping out sampled breakbeats for programmed two-step rhythms, leading to the late ‘90s drum & bass schism. Of course, that explanation is much less fun.
Jungle, Ragga Jungle, Drumfunk, and the Royal Decree of King Goldie
In a moment of truly monarchical arrogance, the poster proposed an entirely new classification system that includes:
“Drumfunk” for anything with chopped breaks.
“Ragga Jungle” for anything with dancehall vocals.
“Jungle” for anything between ‘92 and ‘94.
“Drum & Bass” for everything else, presumably including whatever hospital records is doing.
When asked for comment, Goldie was reportedly too busy riding his motorbike through a brutalist cityscape to weigh in, though sources close to the metal-toothed legend claim he would likely respond with either:
A) “It’s all jungle, mate.”
B) “Shut up and listen to Timeless again.”
An Argument Nobody Asked For, Yet Nobody Can Escape
Despite the sheer exhaustion of discussing a 30-year-old genre name dispute, the conversation refuses to die. Like the Amen break itself, it keeps getting chopped, reworked, and repeated ad nauseam.
At press time, the original poster had accidentally engaged in a 12-comment debate with an anonymous account called "DJ Jungle Steve 94-96" and was reportedly reaching dangerous levels of semantic fatigue.
“I don’t even know what I believe anymore,” he admitted, staring blankly at an old Dreamscape flyer. “Maybe we should just call it all ‘breakbeat music’ and be done with it.”
At this point, experts predict that in 30 years, some future DJ will be arguing that breakcore was actually just jungle all along, and the cycle will continue until the heat death of the universe.
Comments