DOWNSTOWN EASTSIDE VANCOUVER — In a revelation that surprised absolutely no one, local hipster Travis L., 29, announced at a dimly lit café this week that he’s “done with weed” because it’s “just way too psychoactive” — and that he’s now exclusively microdosing government-supplied hydromorphone.
“Honestly, sativa gives me anxiety and indica makes me lazy,” Travis explained while adjusting his vintage Carhartt jacket. “But hydro... hydro’s smooth. Pure body high. No racing thoughts. Very intentional.”
His friends, who had just been debating oat milk brands, nodded politely while trying to remember if hydromorphone was an artisanal cold brew company or something more serious.
“It’s safe supply,” Travis added, unprompted. “Pharmaceutical grade. None of that backyard grow-op energy. Plus, I feel like smoking is so pedestrian. Oral tablets? Way more refined.”
When asked if he was concerned about developing an opioid habit, Travis dismissed the idea entirely.
“I only take it on weekends. And Tuesdays. Also, if it’s raining.”
At press time, Travis was spotted at a record store asking if they had anything “on vinyl but also in a government-approved blister pack.”
We made this tee for the ones who ask the real questions — and enjoy watching people squirm.
Comments