East Van, BC — What began as a casual “ya I can probably figure that out” has evolved into a full-scale professional catastrophe for 29-year-old Mount Pleasant resident, Kyle Dobson, who now finds himself unofficially running his startup’s entire operations department — despite never applying for anything other than “remote flex part-time.”
Sources confirm that Kyle’s downfall began after he successfully troubleshooted the office Slack integration during a Friday all-hands call. By Monday, he had been added to four Google Calendars, given edit access to a mysterious Asana board, and looped into an email thread with the subject line: “Critical Next Steps.”
“I just wanted to stay under the radar, make rent, and maybe buy some vinyl on Main Street,” Kyle told Safe As Fuck reporters, visibly exhausted and clutching an oat-milk iced latte from Kafka’s. “Now they’re calling me a ‘culture driver.’ Bro, I don’t even own proper pants.”
Colleagues say Kyle’s rapid rise to relevance has led to severe lifestyle side effects, including receiving late-night Slack pings marked “urgent,” being referred to as “point person” by HR, and worst of all — losing the plausible deniability that allowed him to skip all-hands Zoom calls in favor of long joint walks along the Seawall.
Asked what his future plans are, Kyle sighed:
“Honestly? I just wanna sit around in my boxers, watch old skate videos, maybe have a little wank, and not think about Q3 projections.”
Company leadership declined to comment, but did confirm he’s now been added to a Slack channel called ‘Weekend Hustle Ideas’ — with notifications on.
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