After months in orbit, the Splashdown Crew touched down safely — but their faces told a story of exhaustion far beyond zero-gravity living. At the press conference, they wasted no time getting to the real trauma: Elon Musk’s relentless attempts to join the party.
One astronaut didn’t even wait for the first question:
"You think space is quiet? It’s not. It’s Elon. Every day. Every. Single. Day."
Another crew member jumped in, eyes wide with disbelief:
"At first it was cute. He sent a 'Congrats, legends' message. Cool. Then… 'Yo, can I swing by?' Like… swing by?! Where? In orbit??"
The crew described a steady spiral from friendly messages to full-blown billionaire harassment:
"By week three, he was asking if we could name a star after Dogecoin. Week five? He offered us priority landing spots at Giga Texas if we let him DJ re-entry. We didn’t even bring speakers, bro!"
But the moment that broke them? A 3AM ping from Musk that simply read:
"What if we made the capsule fully autonomous... and just vibed?"
One astronaut, visibly still processing the trauma, muttered:
"We’re literally conducting orbital research. None of us brought ketamine."
NASA confirmed they're reviewing new "Billionaire Interference" protocols, though one engineer admitted off the record:
"Look, you can block spam calls. You can’t block Elon."
Minutes after splashdown, Musk posted a selfie in a space helmet, captioned:
"When ur invited 2 orbit but they ghost u."
Cop our [SAF] Oversized Billionaire Tee HERE Scroll further for the The Official Soundtrack to Keep Yourself from Trashing Teslas (Because flipping a Cybertruck might feel good — but music is cheaper than court dates.)
The Official Soundtrack to Keep Yourself from Trashing Teslas (Because flipping a Cybertruck might feel good — but music is cheaper than court dates.)
1. Massive Attack — "Angel"
For that moment you stare at a Tesla taking up two parking spots and reconsider your entire belief system. Slow burn, deep breath.
2. The Dandy Warhols — "Godless"
A wandering, moody anthem for when you’ve got nothing but time, caffeine, and simmering Tesla-related resentment.
3. Alix Perez — "1984"
Smooth, dark, and clinical — ideal for walking past another smug EV charging station without ramming your shoulder into the front bumper.
4. Goldie — "Chemistry" (Doc Scott Remix)
Complex, tense, but ultimately controlled. This track will save you from keying "NOBODY CARES" into a Tesla hood.
5. Aphex Twin — "Windowlicker"
For when reality feels just warped enough that trashing Teslas seems reasonable — but this track snaps you out of it.
6. Beastie Boys — "Sabotage"
Play at full volume while dramatically not sabotaging anything. Air drums only.
7. Lily Allen — "Smile"
For smug grins at Tesla drivers who miss their turn. Passive aggression > criminal record.
8. Squarepusher — "Go! Spastic"
When your rage spirals into pure chaos but instead of damage, you just end up dancing in your living room.
9. Burial — "Archangel"
That cold drizzle on pavement feeling, reminding you that keying cars is for amateurs — subtle judgment is art.
10. LCD Soundsystem — "Someone Great"
Because someone great doesn’t dent Teslas — they just make playlists and stay above it.
Listen. Breathe. Don’t get arrested.
Comentarios