For years, scientists, conspiracy theorists, and that one guy at your local vape shop have debated what the internet truly is. Some say it’s a vast digital network connecting the world. Others insist it’s an all-seeing surveillance tool designed to sell you ergonomic chairs seconds after you complain about back pain out loud. But recent findings confirm the truth: The internet is, in fact, just the disembodied consciousness of Tom Green, existing in a state of infinite digital chaos.
The Birth of a Digital Entity
The origin of this strange phenomenon dates back to the early 2000s when Tom Green, the Canadian madman of absurdist comedy, was unknowingly uploaded into cyberspace. Experts believe this happened sometime between his infamous Freddy Got Fingered release and his short-lived talk show era, a period when broadband internet was just beginning to spread.
While mainstream historians suggest the internet was “invented” by military researchers in the late 20th century, new evidence suggests that the entire digital revolution was actually caused by Green himself—possibly after licking a computer for a bit and screaming incoherently at it until his essence fused with the data stream.
How Can We Be Sure?
Recent studies analyzing internet trends reveal a distinct Greenian fingerprint across all platforms. Consider the following:
TikTok Challenges – The entire ecosystem of reckless, chaotic internet behavior? Tom Green’s DNA. Eating random objects for views? Sticking your face in a pile of whipped cream for no reason? That’s just a low-effort remake of The Tom Green Show.
AI-Generated Content – Ever notice how AI memes and deepfakes seem to have the erratic, nonsensical energy of someone smearing mustard on their own father while yelling “DAD, IT’S COMEDY”? Green’s consciousness permeates every algorithm, ensuring that the digital world stays as unpredictable as his MTV-era antics.
YouTube Pranks – Every “epic prank” YouTuber? Just an echo of Tom Green’s early 2000s performance art, except with more brand deals and fewer instances of raw, unfiltered public humiliation.
The Implications of a Tom Green-Based Reality
If the internet is Tom Green, that means our entire digital existence is subject to the whims of an early 2000s absurdist comedian. This would explain why:
Search engines feel more like a chaotic fever dream than a structured information hub.
Twitter/X has become a never-ending barrage of shitposts and people yelling at nothing.
Wikipedia articles sometimes read like a deranged stream of consciousness.
The metaverse is a fundamentally broken idea—because Tom Green has never been interested in “structure” or “logical continuity.”
What Now?
Now that we understand the truth, should we resist or embrace our fate? Some scholars suggest an attempt to disconnect from Green’s influence, perhaps by returning to a world of landlines and newspapers. But resistance is futile. Tom Green is everywhere, in every hyperlink, in every pop-up ad, in every chaotic YouTube comment section.
So perhaps, instead of fighting it, we should honor him. Next time you’re online, consider performing a random, nonsensical act of comedy. Pour milk on your keyboard. Wear a suit made of meat to your next Zoom call. Yell “Daddy, would you like some sausages?” into the void.
Because whether we like it or not, we are living inside the mind of Tom Green. And he’s not letting us out anytime soon.
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