VANCOUVER — In breaking news that shocks absolutely no one except city officials, recent reports confirm that flooding the streets with government-issued hydromorphone — affectionately known as “Dillies” — has created a thriving underground barter economy.
“Turns out when you hand out free opioids, people trade them,” said community outreach worker Kyle M., visibly exhausted. “Who could’ve seen that coming besides literally everyone?”
Local users report a robust economy where Dillies are swapped for stronger street fentanyl, cocaine, vintage clothing, and, in one case, a functioning Vitamix blender.
“It’s just basic economics,” said East Van resident Jenna L., crushing a Dilly under a copy of The 4-Hour Workweek. “You give me a mild buzz; I trade up for something that actually hits. Capitalism, baby.”
City officials are now “reviewing the data,” which appears to be a polite way of saying oh no.
“We wanted to reduce harm,” explained health department spokesperson Linda F. “Instead, we may have started a street-level pharmaceutical futures market.”
At press time, rumors were circulating about an upcoming Safe Supply Swap Meet to be held in the park, featuring live music, grilled corn, and “one-for-one” exchanges.
We made this tee for the ones who ask the real questions — and enjoy watching people squirm.
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